Never put a sock in a toaster.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
I have an unfortunate personality.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
I don't think I'm funny.
I was shot from the funny gun.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.