Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.