I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
I am one of the lucky people in the world: I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
The mind starts to do things that you didn't even realize it could do. I suppose it's the manipulation. I suppose it's the sense of power, the center of attention, and the me-ism. And performers have to have that.
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
When turkeys mate they think of swans.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
To be an entertainer, you gotta be a little gutsy, a little egotistical, so you have to pull back sometimes when people say, 'Well, he's stuck-up.' 'Stuck-up' is only another word for self-conscious.
We're more effective than birth control pills.
I was going to hang it up on the twenty-fifth year of this show. I don't know why. Maybe twenty-five years is enough. And I found out that I was having so much fun doing the show that we decided to stick around for a while.