My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.
I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.
My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.
I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.
I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.
People read me but they don't subscribe.
My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.
I saw a stationery store move.
I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.
I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.
I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.
Do you know it was a year a ago today?
A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
I model irregular clothing.
You know what burns me? Matches.
My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.
Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?
At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?