The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'
For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.
Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.
The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.
Politics is just show business for ugly people.
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.
Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.
The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.
People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.
My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?