Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.