Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.